Behold! At long last, Johnny is now in possession of the most charming, beautiful and well-behaved tea pet of them all: Carmen the Yak.
Here’s the backstory, for those of you so starved for content that you’ll read any schmoe’s half-baked self-pity party:
I’ve fallen in love with so many tea pets.
First, there was Bradley, the tea bat, who was almost as adorable as myself. One day, I got to Phoenix Tea and discovered that Bradley had gone to a better place, surely basking in the love of better people than Johnny (such people supposedly exist). I was crushed, and drank no tea for 3 years because every sip tasted like the complete absence of bats. On summer evenings, I would hear the tweets of bats in the Autozone parking lot and call out “Oh Bradley, is that you?” until the police came. They never understood.
There was Cornelius, the tea rat sitting on a bag of tea money… who I didn’t love, but with whom I built a suspiciously comfortable mutual tolerance. He left too, clearly feeling as little true affection for me as I did for him.
Then there were the slugs. One after another, they appeared on the tea table; one after another, they were named whimsically old-fashioned names; one after another, they left for distant lands, to drink tea and cavort as only truly free tea slugs cavort.
After so much sadness, I made the only respectable choice: I bought a friend.
Let’s celebrate with a cup of tea, shall we?